최 뚱이

저번주 월요일, 언니가 전화해서 뚱이가 집을 나갔다고 했다. 

When my parents brought home 뚱이, about 12 years ago, they asked us all what we should name her. I was in the U.S. at the time, studying at Notre Dame, and I jokingly said please name her 뚱이, after me! so a part of me is always at home. My parents and siblings would joke that I was getting fat after being in the U.S. and 뚱이 is an 애칭 for Soonie, but a 뚱뚱한 Soonie. 

Last Monday, I found out that my namesake, 뚱이가 집을 나가 돌아오지 않았다.

This is one of my favorite pictures of 뚱이 앤드 백호. Doesn't she look so happy? Doesn't he look so adorable and loving?

When my brother got back from L.A. after being away from home for a week for our wedding, he noticed 뚱이 had a severe skin rash. He took her to the vet immediately.  He sent us all a picture of her looking pretty skinny and confused.  My mom was immensely worried, but the vet reassured us, it was probably just the crazy crazy summer heat wave.  My parents went home to Seoul a week later and my mom was caring for 뚱이. Two weeks go by and she still has the skin rash- my parents find out she has advanced liver cancer and my mom said she couldn't bear to ask the vet how long she had left to live.

뚱이 was moved inside and meticulously cared for by my mom for weeks. I know my mom's heart was breaking--she is my mom's favorite dog after. She is FULL of 애교. My parents then moved her to our newly renovated basement room because it had better shade.  She eventually snuck out of the basement and started hanging out outside with her brother, 백호.  And then one day....they both snuck outside (which they have been doing their whole lives), and only 백호 returned.

It really breaks my heart to think of what could've happened to 뚱이. My parents searched for 뚱이 for four days, my dad interrogated 백호 everyday to no avail, and left our front gate open for four nights and days, this is no small thing. The heat was unbearable they said, but they still searched.

When I called home on Monday last week, my mom said they closed the gate.  She's not coming back. She wouldn't have been able to survive the heat, let alone 4-5 days with no food or water...or I don't even want to think more about what could've happened.

 When she became a mommy to three little puppies.

Some people say dogs leave home when they know it is time to die. I feel like that is something you say to yourself because the alternative is too heartbreaking to consider. Part of me believes that, I desperately want to, but the other part of me just worries that she was run over by a car, or she got lost, or something horrible horrible happened and she couldn't make it home. She's gone now, and we don't know what happened. 

One good thing from all of this, is that my mom is spared. My mom I know would not be able to bring herself to put 뚱이 down. It would've hurt her more than her disappearing on her own accord. 

I'm still very much mourning my doggy--and it sucks not to be home for this and so far away.  I haven't seen my dog in 2 years and I feel so sad about that. While my mom seems completely fine with not knowing what happened, I think this unknown is much harder for me to deal with. I'd rather know. 

My dad is still asking 백호 everyday if he knows where 뚱이 went, and he says he still doesn't have an answer. 

What kind of dog was 뚱이? She was very smart and quick, and an 애교덩어리. But oddly aggressive to other animals- always getting in trouble! Once she bit another dog while she walking with my mom and another time she bit a much bigger dog than her who was passing our house to the forest.  I'm not making her sound very lovely am I?  She had attitude, but she was soooo lovely and loving! She had such 눈치, she knew when she should mosey over and we would play games with her to see whether she'd move to wherever we told her to move.  She had the cutest eyes, you could see her 횐눈동자 when she looked to the side at you, and that was what really made my mom fall in love with her. What else can I say, she's family. I'm so sad that when I go home next time, she won't be there and I won't be able to pet and play with her. I'm heartbroken I never got to say bye. 

The vet, who had treated her her whole life, told my mom not to be sad. He said that 뚱이 lived a good life in a happy family, and I hope hope hope that she did not have a painful passing and she lived a good life until the end.  Rest in peace my sweet 뚱이. 

What I'm feeling now

These days, motivation to do more or even to do the basics, is hard. 

I find myself really struggling to get excited about my day to day, and I am constantly planning my weekends, trips, and am in search for the next big experience.  I wish I found joy in the day to day, I'm not unhappy by any means, but I do feel like there could be more.  I know what I can do to find this "something more" but I am not motivated to do it. Instead I just click through facebook, blogs, airbnb, and anything that can provide some stimulation. 

I even drank diet coke...it helped. haha. Physical sensation of a tingling drink actually helped. How sad is that?

I'm listening to Justin Bieber's Purpose. 

I am not going to lie, I'm really digging this song right now. 

And...as I'm listening, I'm brought back to my early 20s. Flashes of walking through campus in Shanghai after a full day of Chinese classes, playing soccer with my very international classmates-some wearing flip flops, me I think I'm wearing silk turquoise flats with white and pink embroidered flowers, trying desperately to keep up running with the others. And before I know it, I feel a deep sense of gratitude and find myself smiling remembering how lucky I am to have experienced the sense of wonder and carefree happiness! I'm so lucky to have experienced it. It feels like a world away, but also so immediate. 

I want to spend more time remembering and reflecting. I feel it could unlock a key to happiness. 

Cinespia outdoor movie night!

This past Saturday evening, Chris and I saw Speed (1994) at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery.  Seems like an odd thing to do right, to go watch a movie in a cemetery, but so many people, websites, and photos tell me it is a L.A. summer must do activity.  What better than to watch Speed, my first rated-R movie- I think I was staying over at Brittany Love's house, she lived on Cliffside, and her parents ordered us pizza and let us watch Speed.

Cinespia is the nonprofit organization that came up with this brilliant idea to use the closed off cemetery to show movies in the summer! 

It was a lot of fun!! Very relaxing, the vibe was chill, music brought us back to the 90s, and people watching was enjoyable. We got there early, because its LA, and parking, and lines and sure enough even though we got there at 6:30pm, for a 9:00pm showing and doors open at 7:30pm, there was a line.  But no one seemed to mind. Everyone spread out their food and blankets and just enjoyed being in line. 

It was a little weird, but also cool seeing people intermixed with these huge mausoleums and tombstones, excitedly awaiting seeing a young Keanu Reeves and his bad lines. 

Summer bucket list

My LA summer bucket list includes:

1. Watch a movie at Cinespia  

2. Host a beach bonfire

3. See a concert at Hollywood Bowl

4. Camping

5. Go see a movie at one of the free outdoor movie events

6. Attend a free outdoor concert on Santa Monica Beach 

7. Hike the Bridge to Nowhere

8. Surf as much as possible 

9. Spend a day at Laguna Beach 

10. Picnic at Malibu Wines

11. Visit Escondido Beach 

12. Have dinner at Perch 

13. Harry Potter World! 

14. LA County Fair

15. LA Night Market

  

Zen Habits

One of my favorite blogs is Zen Habits.

I stumbled upon it years ago and have been following it since.  Recently, I have been ignoring the weekly email updates, but as I recognize myself in a downward spiral these days (in terms of motivation), I revisited his blog for some help. 

Of all his suggestions, I think these rules will help me keep motivated the most since it is all about accountability! 

1. Make someone else pay for your failure. This is a really powerful form of motivation. Set a challenge for yourself for a month, and if you fail, then a friend agrees to have something bad happen to her or him. For example, if you don’t run three times a week for the month of January, then your friend Amit gets an ice bucket dumped on him. Or your wife has to go three days without her phone. Obviously your friends have to agree to the consequence, but you can agree to be each other’s consequence, and pick a consequence you’d be unhappy about but willing to do. This is much more powerful than if the consequence of your failure happens to you, because you really don’t want to be the cause of someone else’s misfortune.
2. Make someone else benefit from your success. This is just the reverse of the previous idea … if you succeed at your monthly challenge, then a friend gets to have something nice happen to him or her. This is really nice, because you will be motivated to make someone else happy.

Though I think these will be effective...I couldn't find a single sorry sap who wanted to volunteer to be rewarded or punished by my efforts. haha I guess I can't blame them. 

Well... back to square one. Maybe just doing without thought is the answer.

My favorite post of Zen Habits is Breathe. and I come back to this several times a year. 

2016 goals

At the beginning of this year, I quickly jotted down some goals for myself.
So far... one thing has been accomplished, but it is a very big thing so I don't feel so bad about being behind on the others. I'm working on the others on a more day to day basis, and figure I safely cross off goal 5. blog.

2016 goals
1. Have a wedding
2. Arrive at work by 8am (finally starting to do this)
3. Graduate to a different surfboard (summer is here!)
4. Make dinner twice a week (getting better at this)
5. Blog
6. Stay off phone at home (doing poorly here)
7. Exercise 5 times a week (doing very poorly here)
8. Do some career goal planning
9. Work on cutting down those student loans to 45K (on track!)

With only half the year left, I think I need to re-prioritize those big goals to focus.

2016 Birthday goals
1. Graduate to a different surfboard  (this is going to be a reach)
2. Re-evaluate career goals and come up with a concrete plan for 2017
3. Student loan goals= 38K
4. Comfortably fit back into my black dress
    a. Swim 3 times a week until December
    b. Go to class at least 2 times a week until December

Weekend Dinners

I can't even tell you how great this weekend was, being surrounded by friends with whom you can have easy conversation and delicious food.  I think that simple activity is so emotionally fulfilling and energizing, and when done with the right company, ambiance, and food--it is priceless.

Saturday night the ND crew in LA got together for a late dinner to celebrate Joey's engagement! We went to Little Sister and then to Bottega Louie across the street for some delicious sweet and savory treats and late night coffees and lattes served in tiny espresso cups. It is the first time the 5 of us, and of course, Chris have gotten together in LA, and the conversation was so easy and comfortable, I know we all walked away thinking, why don't we do this more often.  Even though we've all changed so much, I love that we can fall right into conversation and understand immediately where the other is coming from-- after all 10 years of friendship does that right?

We had no problems devouring that delicious pear tart. 

Sunday night we were treated to some savory, luxurious, seriously delicious French food at a restaurant in Industrial District of LA called Church and State.  John and Zhu Dan are friends we met through another friend in LA, though I knew of Zhu Dan and had met her a few times in D.C.  They are pregnant with their first baby but wanted to treat us to dinner to celebrate our wedding.  Even though we have only hung out with this couple a few times in LA, to the extent I was SHOCKED she was pregnant (having not hung out for 8 months), when we get together, we have such easy, funny, and meaningful conversations.  I wasn't able to take photos because I left my phone at home, but I managed to ask Chris to snap a picture of these delicious little escargots soaked in pesto and eaten in delicious little caps of delicate bread.  It was my first encounter with escargots, and it was a good encounter. I'm excited to try more.