Whenever I listen to this song, I end up wiping away tears from my eyes. Is this new or are we now just becoming aware of the extent of senseless and unjust tragedies around the world? Even as I write this, I know this is NOT new, but what seems to be new is that these tragedies--which isn't even the right word since it takes away blame and responsibility-- these violent attacks whether they are toward a single individual, a crowd of celebrators, a group of protesters, a group worshiping their faith, party goers in a queer club, unarmed black men and women, and law enforcement officials, and students, movie go-ers, shoppers, etc. are taking place in areas we collectively understood to be "safe" spaces. And by we, I'm talking about the global North, the developed world where everything is supposed to be predictable, clean, and orderly. I feel guilt with how I feel shock, despair, and sadness with these incidents, when I know for some people around the world, this is everyday life for them.
On another level, I'm caught between feeling shocked, angry, and then ambivalent and disengaged. After the Orlando shooting, I went to a vigil held at UCLA. I think one of the speakers said it best- you feel sadness, anger, and frustration, but at the same time, you question if it makes sense for you to be so emotionally involved, it almost seems wrong, given that you weren't there, you don't know anyone directly affected, you are afar and safe in your surrounding. It almost seems like you're taking away from the victims and those involved. It's an odd place to be emotionally. And even just admitting its an odd place to be emotionally or contemplating about feelings feels wrong and stupidly luxurious, when people are losing their lives.
The vigil came only a few weeks after UCLA experienced a campus shooting. Even though in the end, the shooter shot one person and then turned to shoot himself, and it did not end in a campus massacre, being in that heightened environment, knowing that someone is out there to kill anyone is emotionally and conceptually difficult to comprehend. You only feel sheer fear and anxiety. I just find myself thinking....what is happening? Why are we as a society, so angry? Why aren't we taking care of each other? Who I have not taken care of in my life?
I could say so much about gun shootings, terrorist attacks, police brutality, racism, xenophobia, anti-gay movements, and all other forms of hate crime. But I often find myself with nothing to say because I don't have the words to express the complex and often confused thoughts that run through my mind when I wake up to another incident of hate, here in the U.S. or abroad. I know how I feel, but I don't think there are words to express this. Maybe that's why this song makes me cry.
I know the right thing to do is to take a stand, but I don't know how to do this in an effective way yet. I feel like social media isn't enough and I also feel that it is sometimes more polarizing than unifying, adding noise but no clarity. I want to act-- not discuss. But how, I don't know yet...
